my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We are all done wearing pants today
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
