I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
