I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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