For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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