if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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