u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
