so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
