Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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