I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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