there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
