I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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