before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
