Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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