I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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