Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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