She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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