You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
