Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
