why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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