i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
