i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
