I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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