its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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