I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You need Xanax blowdarts
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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