if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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