And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
