was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
