Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
