My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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