Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
