considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
