I just saw a hot homeless man
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Someone signed my nipple.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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