Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Who did Billy Mays play for?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
