I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
