Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
