Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
