I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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