Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
