I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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