Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
