is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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