see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
