My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
