one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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