i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
