Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
