Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
