Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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