Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
