It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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