my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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